Bitchin' Closets: The Results - The A Team, Power Couple, District of Columbia

The A Team’s space was a challenge, but in a fun way.  Figuring out their joint needs for the space, as well as their individual needs and quirks related to their individual belongings, took some careful thought, and sometimes, a lot of negotiation.  Instead of just looking at their closets, I looked at the space as a whole, and we found creative ways to store things, and tried to make the most of their small space.  For example, instead of taking up prime closet real estate with bath linens, we utilized a bunch of empty space above the closet, and put the linens in decorative but functional storage baskets.  Now, that closet shelf space can be used for clothes, and the clothes can be folded and stacked neatly, instead of crammed in like a bunch of tourists on the metro. 

All told, we got rid of a lot, both in trash and donation, but also figured out a way to make both the Lord and the Lady’s preferences meet in the middle.  And, because they worked together to come to the decisions about use of space and organization, neither of them can say “You made me do this!”  And if one of them tries, they know I am a very reliable witness.  Take a look at the results.

Here’s what the A Team, in the words of Lady A, has to say about it:

Recently, my boyfriend and I decided to move in together. This was a very natural step in our relationship, but a terrifying project to merge everything we both owned into a studio apartment.

That’s right. A studio.

I’m not sure what we would have done without The Bitch and the Wardrobe. From start to finish, she was incredibly organized, full of great ideas, and an all-around delightful person to work with. The Bitch worked on our schedule, coming over on the weekends with donut holes and an iPod full of showtunes, and methodically transformed our apartment from a storage container with a bed into a Pinterest fever dream. And having this process complete feels great too- we didn’t realize how much our unorganized junk containers were weighing on us until they were gone. Our apartment now feels spacious, calm, and organized, and it is all thanks to her.  

The Bitch made the whole process really easy. She started out with a detailed consultation, on paper and also in our apartment, to make sure she understood our space, our stuff, and our needs. Then she helped us purge, which was key to reclaiming so much space. A nice perk of having The Bitch do this process with us, too, was that she was totally willing to take the blame for making us get rid of stuff, so I wasn’t the mean person who made my boyfriend get rid of the box for his Starship Enterprise (for what it’s worth, the model has been out of the package for years).  The Bitch even offered to donate and/or consign the stuff we were getting rid of, so it wouldn’t sit around in our apartment for months.

After the purge, The Bitch sent us a spreadsheet of what organization items we needed to get for the apartment. She sent us links to specific items at Amazon, the Container Store, etc… as examples of what would work well. I have to admit, I went a little off-book and purchased some things without consulting her first- these ended up being totally wrong for the space, which really drove home that, no matter how good I thought I might be at organizing, I am not a professional! The Bitch realized I needed more handholding in buying our organizers, so she went shopping with us and pointed out the pros and cons to each option we considered. This saved us a lot of time and money, and we got the best possible hangers, shoeboxes, and bins for our space. And then we went for Chick-fil-a, which tasted like victory.  ;)

I have two-part advice to those who have to awesome opportunity to work with The Bitch and the Wardrobe. First, as she will say to you, this is your apartment, you’re the one who has to live with it, so if there is something you want out of the space or something you think won’t work for you, say something, because she is there to give you the closet you want. On the other hand, The Bitch knows what she is doing, so even if you don’t like an idea right away, don’t let your stubbornness get in the way of giving it a try. I was totally convinced I would never maintain any closet system that required me to keep my shoes in boxes, and bought a hideous shoe rack that The Bitch didn’t approve. When I finally caved and tried the shoeboxes, not only did we get a ton more floor and vertical space, but my shoeboxes are also now my favorite part of the closet! So share your thoughts, but also definitely try her suggestions. She knows what she is talking about!

I was incredibly impressed- and relieved- by how The Bitch helped us with the last step of physically organizing all of our items into logical organizers. I had tried to tackle our utility closet before, and got so overwhelmed by all of the junk that I just gave up. There was just so much stuff! But The Bitch was totally un-phased. She kept us moving forward one step at a time and helped us sort and store all of our items until it was done. I really don’t think we ever would have completed organizing our place without her- it would have always been a work in progress, and a constant source of clutter and stress. With her guidance and help, we got through the whole closet in maybe two hours, and the results were more functional and organized that anything we could have imagined.

I’m dead serious. My boyfriend and I both are amazed that we know everything that we have, where it all is, and can access it all super easily. You could ask me for anything we own- a thumb drive, a business card, that weird looking cord that goes to the tv- I know where it is right now and can get it in 5 seconds or less. Our lives in this space just got so much smoother and calmer- it’s amazing.

Working with The Bitch was the best decision we could have made. Our closets are beautiful, and our apartment feels highly functional and spacious. We probably saved a bunch of money by using her services, too, because now we can stay in the studio for the while instead of paying rent on a bigger apartment to fill with stuff we wouldn’t have even used.  From the beginning, The Bitch had a vision for our space that we couldn’t see, and she thoughtfully guided us through the entire process with an organized and super friendly spirit until we got these beautiful results. She is an absolute god-send and such a pleasure to work with. If you have the opportunity to work with her, you totally should. The Bitch and the Wardrobe is a complete angel!

Bitchin' Closets: The Work - The A Team, Power Couple, District of Columbia

Because Lady A was gradually moving in to the Lord’s place, we did the work over a few weekends.  We started out getting Lord A’s space in shape, and once Lady A moved in, we tackled her stuff, and the rest of the apartment.  Because of how much work their space needed, after the consult, I sent them a detailed recap document, detailing organizational options we discussed for the space, and providing suggestions of what to get and where to get it.  I wanted to be sure that when I showed up to do the work, we could hit the ground running.

For a studio apartment, the A Team has a lot of space.  Some of it is a little unique, though, and an organizational challenge.  For example, their main closet does not go to the ceiling, and has about three feet of storage space above it.  They had things stored up there, but they were unsightly.  We had to come up with a solution to make that space both usable and not an eyesore.  The main closet also has some built-ins, which Lord A was persuaded by his contractor to install.  They’re definitely not in the most functional place, and the contractor didn’t do a great job hanging the clothing rods at the correct height, so we had to figure out how to work with that.  They also have a large utility/coat closet that looked like something out of Hoarders.  It needed some work.

What I found interesting about working with the A Team was that they each had their own hang ups, and they were not the same.  So, even though they were a team, the solutions I had to devise were specific to each individual in order to get them to the closet they wanted.  (I do not know why this is surprising; all people are different, and the Lord and Lady are not the same person.  I’m not a shrink, ok, bitches?)  Let’s take a look at what was causing them strife.

The Lord’s Closet Hang-Ups

  • Let It Go. The Lord fancies himself a thrifty and pragmatic fellow; I would agree with most of that. However, his pragmatism loses me when he insists on keeping an empty cardboard box for a model of some Star Wars ship, and when his closet has pieces of clothing that is worn, faded, and starting to get holes. Honey, no. Let it go.

The Lady’s Closet Hang-Ups

  • You May Be Right. Surprisingly to me, The Lady was not good at following instructions! Despite the detailed recap document I sent the A Team, The Lady pulled a Palin and went rogue. I showed up to do the work and was surprised, and had to do some negotiating with the Lady about her off-book choices. Eventually, though, she decided that The Bitch may be right.

  • My Way. The Lady had some very particular feelings about doing things, even though her consult responses suggested otherwise. We had to spend some time figuring out why she wanted it the way she did, particularly when they seemed impractical, and discuss why other options might be better.

Teaching the A Team the Process 

The Lord

On the Lord’s day [Bitchy note:  Oooh, a biblical pun!], we spent a lot of time getting him to let things go.  His rationale for keeping things?  “Just because it has a hole doesn’t mean I can’t still wear it.  You can barely see it.  It’s still a shirt.”  My method?  Showing him how much other stuff was in his closet, going largely unworn.  My other method?  Something I learned from Stacy London on What Not To Wear:  cost per wear.  (Some people call this “girl math.”  I find that offensive.)  Figuring out what an item is purchased for and dividing it by the number of times its worn determines its cost per wear.  Once he figured out he’d worn something like a $50 shirt over 100 times, and that it was almost a negative cost per wear, he was more comfortable getting rid of things.  In terms of the actual organizing, the Lord was easy, and even decided he wanted to ditch his wooden hangers to get velvet ones to save space.  Be still my velvet hanger loving heart!  

 

 

We started tackling the A Team's coat/utility/zombie apocalypse closet on the Lord's day, too.  As you can see on the left, we made a minor adjustment to the way the A Team used the space, with a plan that I'd come back and we'd do a more fulsome overhaul of the utility closet on the Lady's day.  We shifted the wire shelf from the middle of the closet to the far right, and in doing so we made the shelf more accessible, and made the space in the entire closet more functional.  We moved the jackets to the left side of the closet, and with the free floor space, put two heavy plastic containers on the floor, instead of up high on a cumbersome shelf.  It's still messy here, but I assure you, the full after photos are a sight to behold.

The Lady

Because the Lady decided to go rogue, her day was a little different, and in addition to the usual editing and organizing, we took a shopping trip together.  We went to a few stores that have organizational goodies (Target, BBB, and TJ Maxx), and I walked the A Team through a variety of options, and gave them my opinions on what would work best in their space.  Even though I’d sent them a detailed-post consult list saying essentially the same stuff, we realized they needed me with them while shopping to crack the whip.  I was ok with that.  Once all appropriate accessories were purchased, we went back to their place and got down to business.

On the Lady’s day, we had less stuff to go through, as she’d done a pre-move purge herself.  For us, it was more about figuring out how to put things away.  As she aptly noted in her consult, she is rough on her stuff, and not great about folding, or hanging, or putting stuff away generally.  However, she realized that this was not a method that would work now that she was sharing space with the Lord.  We talked about what she should hang and what she should fold in order to make best use of their space.  We also had to negotiate a shoe rack versus clear shoe boxes.  The shoe rack is where Lady A went rogue.  She was so proud of it, and thought she had found herself a great organizational solution.  [Bitchy note:  I felt bad that she was so proud and I was raining on her parade.  But I couldn’t help myself.  That’s my job!]  After a lot of discussion, I persuaded her to just try putting her shoes in boxes and putting them on the shelves, on the theory that if she didn’t like it, we would take them out of the boxes and put them back on the rack, and no one would get hurt.  She acceded to my request, and dare I say, she came out on the other side.  Lady A was adamant that she wasn’t going to fold things or put them away properly, but after showing her what I affectionately call my “little soldiers” method, I think she was converted. 

After the clothing, we moved on to the coat/utility/zombie apocalypse closet.  Their biggest problem in this area?  They didn’t know what was in there.  I mean, they knew some things were in there, but they weren’t sure where, and they weren’t sure what else was there.  We had a lot to purge, and a lot to figure out in terms of organizing.  My method?  Small, clear, stackable boxes.  We purged things that needed purging, and then spent time categorizing their items and putting like things together.  Now, when they need batteries, they go to their battery box.  When they need light bulbs, they go to their bulb box.  When they need duct tape, they go to the duct tape box.  You get the picture.

It was a small space and a lot of stuff, and it was definitely a challenge.  However, after putting in the hard work, I think the A Team is going to be able to keep it up.

Bitchin' Closets: The Consultation - The A Team, Power Couple, District of Columbia

The A Team is a delightful couple comprised of a former colleague of mine, Lord A, and his lovely girlfriend, Lady A.  (Yes, both of their names start with A in real life, they liked the idea of being called “The A Team,” and Lord A likes any opportunity to be referred to as a knight or something fancy.)  They are taking a very adult step and moving in together.  Ooh lala! 

The Lord is a super smart and talented attorney who practices some sort of really high falutin’ law.  He and I worked together in our first year after law school, and shared an office smaller than many closets I’ve seen.  Our time together was spent pursuing justice, learning our craft, expanding our minds, and throwing paper balls at one another.  Spending 40+ hours a week in an itty bitty space with a person has the potential for disaster, but Lord A and I were lucky, and emerged with a weird and wonderful friendship.

Lady A works in public health, and is changing the world.  She is awesome, and though I’ve not known her as long as Lord A, I’m fairly certain she’s as cool as he is, if not cooler.  (Sorry, Lord.)  She and I share a love of brunch and redecorating, particularly redecorating the place she and The Lord will be sharing.   

The A Team asked me to help them merge their assets, as it were, and start their new home together off on an organized foot.  It was a fun challenge!  Here’s what they wanted: 

The A Team’s Closet Conundrums

We’ve all got issues.  What are yours?  What are you looking to get out of this?

The Lord: Merger.  [Bitchy Note:  Oh good, he’s going to be difficult.]

The Lady: We’re merging the possessions of two-people into a space that has previously housed only one. We need a logical solution to fit and organize our stuff within a small space, in a way that works with our lifestyle (e.g. things we need are easy to access, and maintaining the organizational system doesn’t take a lot of effort).

I have a particular tendency to drop stuff where it is when I walk in the door or am in a rush, and it just builds up in weird places. Once it builds, I get used to it being there and don’t address it until I absolutely have to, so a system that incorporates designated places for me to put my handbag, mail, bills, etc. would be perfect!

The Lord has a tendency to hold onto things for a while when he doesn’t need them. A solution that has limited, dedicated space for preparing for the zombie apocalypse would be appreciated by him, I think.  [Bitchy Note:  He’s serious about this zombie apocalypse thing.  I don’t get it.]

How much space are we working with?  How many closets?  Walk-ins or not?  Drawer space?

One double-wide, non-walk-in closet; one normal sized closet; kitchen cabinets.

Any pet peeves?  (For example, do you want everything hanging in your closet because you hate folding stuff and putting it in drawers?)

The Lord: “Having The Lady’s stuff here.” *insert happy laughter* In seriousness, “…I’ll know [my pet peeves] when I see [them]”  [Bitchy Note:  Buttering me up with a riff on my favorite SCOTUS quote, I see.  #PotterStewartWasABaller]

The Lady: I don’t like systems that take a lot of energy to maintain.  I’m a fan of having drawers/boxes where I can “stuff” my socks, underwear, bras (I have zero intention of treating them the way I am supposed to) so I don’t have to fold them.  [Bitchy Note:  Oh, you’ll treat them the way you’re supposed to by the end of this.] I guess I have a small pet peeve about over the door shoe holders that can only fit one normal-sized shoe in each compartment, but this has more to do with efficiency and false-advertising.  [Bitchy Note:  Me too, Lady!  Preach it!]

Any strong opinions about what you want or don’t want?  (For example, do you happen to love wooden hangers?) 

The Lord: I like wooden hangers…?... [Bitchy Note:  Pipe down.]

The Lady: I’m kind of rough with my stuff, very grab and go, so I prefer durable materials/pieces that can hold up to my abuse!

Anything else I should know?

The Lord:  Clearly, one of us put more thought into these answers than the other.  [Bitchy Note:  Shocking.]

The Lady: I really like being able to see, grab and re-hang things easily, and having a place for everything, so maybe room to grow as I get more clothes.  I also re-wear a lot of my clothes before washing them, so having space to keep clothes to re-wear; maybe hooks inside the door or something would help keep the apartment clean. 

Based on their questionnaire, I was a little trepidatious going into the consult.  I was already fully aware of The Lord’s zombie apocalypse/refusal to get rid of stuff tendencies, but his answers had me feeling like Nigel in The Devil Wears Prada when Miranda moves up the run through.  You know what I’m talking about.

However, the consult was really smooth.  After evaluating their space and their assets, I provided The A Team with my suggestions.  Lady A was sweet and helpful and open from the get go, as expected.  However, so was Lord A!  My practical, efficient, rational suggestions appealed to his logical nature.  I was pretty darn surprised.  It was like I’d won an oral argument in front of a hot bench with a known surly judge.  After that, I got super excited about coming back for round two!

Bitch Basics: Your Closet Is Not A Kardashian

Bitches, I get it.  Having a closet that looks like this is the dream:

Image via Buzzfeed.

Image via Buzzfeed.

I don’t want to be a dream killer.  I would rather call myself a reality consultant.  We don’t all have closets like this.  We can’t all have closets like this.  And if I’m being honest, we probably shouldn’t all have closets like this.  (Look, I love stuff.  But do we all really need all that stuff?  Probably not.)

In the last few years, magnificent closets on TV and in movies seem to be bombarding us and warping our sense of reality.  The first really fabulous closet I remember seeing and loving and wanting belonged to Cher Horowitz.  After that, Mariah Carey.  And then, the housewives (Sweet baby Jesus, the housewives!).  And the Kardashians. And the closet that Big built for Carrie.  These are all fantastic closets to fantasize about, just like it’s ok to fantasize about Aaron Tveit or Charlie Hunnam being your boyfriend.  All totally normal things.  All not necessarily grounded in reality. 

Since they seem to be TV and closet royalty, we’ll use the Kardashians as our case study (or should it be kase study?) for today's lesson, and we'll talk through the problems these aspirational closets have inflicted upon us.

First of all, it’s a space thing.  I’m fairly certain the Kardashian closets are the size of my junior one-bedroom apartment.  Even if they’re not that large, they have closets that are the size of an entire room.  I have two closets in my entire apartment and they wouldn’t take up half of my bathroom.  I doubt you have that kind of space, either.  (Although, if you do, you are very lucky and I both envy and hate you.  Moving on.) The point is, if you have the space, you have more flexibility.  If you don't, you have to be realistic and get creative.

There’s also the issue of upkeep.  The Kardashians’ closets are styled like a Bergdorf’s showroom.  Racks of color-coordinated, backlit shoes.  Pull out drawers for perfectly folded scarves and jewels.  Clothing meticulously pressed and hung.  Handbags displayed like they’re at the Smithsonian.  It’s magnificent.  But just like in the Smithsonian, things out on display are going to get dusty.  I'm sure the Kardashians have someone dedicated to keeping their closets spotless and sparkling (and even if they don't, I wouldn't blame them if they did).  But your closet is not a Kardashian kloset.  You, my friend, have to do the upkeep.  Not ideal.

Finally, there's the all-around issue of practicality.  Who is going to see your closet other than you, your partner or roommate, and anyone you allow to see it?  Don't get it twisted:  I am all for a neat, clean, uniform, organized closet.  I'm not for stressing out because your closet doesn't look like what you see on TV or in the movies.  It's all about coming to terms with expectations.  If you have one small closet in your rental, you're not going to open the door to a wardrobe wonderland.  But, you can make what you have wonderful and work for you.

Bitchin' Closets: The Results - The Professor, Virginia

While it happened over the course of three days, the work at The Professor’s only took 12 hours.  I know what you’re thinking:  ONLY 12?  Kids, trust me, that’s a rapid amount of time for what happened.  In four hours on Friday, six hours on Saturday, and two hours on Sunday, we ended up with 10 giant trash bags (the kind you use for cleaning up leaves); 7 for donation and 3 for consignment.  In addition, we had 3 more bags of stuff that couldn’t be salvaged for donation or consignment.  I so regret not taking a picture to show off the sheer volume of what we did.  And the results?  Well, I think I’ll let Tim Rice and Alan Menken say it for me:

I’m incredibly proud of what we did this weekend, but more than anything, I’m proud of The Professor for doing the hard work.  It wasn’t easy for her on a lot of levels, and it was as much a cleaning out of some emotional space as it was making space in her closet.  And, she only cried once – happy tears!  #SoProud

Here’s what The Professor has to say about the whole thing:

I am The Professor. Yes, someone pays me to mold young minds. And yet, I haven’t had an organized closet, desk, or even purse in probably a dozen years. Now that I think about it, that’s around the time I left for college.  Anyway, I live in a constant state of disarray, and it’s always worked for me.

Well, that’s a lie.

I’ve always wanted to be better about cleaning up after myself, but I grew up an only child with a doting mother… and then I went to college, where it seemed cool to be messy… and life got busy… plus, barely anyone important stops by my office... and no one should really be snooping around my bedroom anyway… plus, I’m busy…

In fact, I became so “busy” over the years that I was willing to overlook my anxiety before bed. (You know, the nagging feeling that you shouldn’t just pick up the pile of clothes on your bed and move it to another dumping ground… maybe you should put the clothes AWAY?) So “busy” that I notoriously stayed late at work, opting for dinner and Netflix over tidying up and/or making my house look presentable. When I did laundry, my clean clothes were tossed in laundry baskets and moved two flights of stairs up to my bedroom. In the case of company coming over, said laundry baskets were then moved – still with clean clothes in them – into closets.

The Bitch and I are very different people. Has she mentioned that?

Anyway, I’m over 30, consider myself a professional, and some people (i.e., my students) put the word “doctor” in front of my last name when they talk to me. And yet, my room looks like a pig sty. What the hell am I doing with my life?

Enter The Bitch.

From our FaceTime consultation, I knew she meant business. To be honest though, I didn’t think she stood a chance. (Sorry, friend.)

The only time I allow people upstairs in my house is within one week of my mother leaving. (I’m in the middle of reading a book about codependency.  I highly recommend it!) When The Bitch arrived, it had been maybe two weeks since my mother’s latest visit. My room was a bit disheveled, but probably not as badly as she remembered it from our FaceTime adventure. Prior to The Bitch's arrival, I had ordered 100 velvet hangers. Within 2 minutes, she knew I’d need more. All I knew was that I needed a drink.

When I think about my weekend with The Bitch, two things stand out: (1) her show tunes; and (2) our shared levels of shock and awe. The Bitch was shocked by several things, mostly the number of bags, bras, and socks I own[ed]. I was awed by how patient The Bitch was with me, how empowered I felt throughout the weekend, and how absolutely stunning my closets and drawers looked at the time of her departure.  My boyfriend likened it to a boutique. In the weeks since, I have been able to utilize the tools I was given to maintain a room I am proud to call my own. What a gift.

To learn The Bitch's process, I had to take an active role in the editing effort, making decisions about consigning versus donating, and putting all of my wardrobe pieces (no longer referred to collectively as “stuff”) back together in the same drawers and closets that have haunted me for years. I got rid of carloads of items, and I can hardly put into words the sheer relief I felt after dropping my gently (or heavily) worn clothes, shoes, and bags off at my local second-hand shops. In the end, I donated 18 bras to women in need through Soma Bra Donation, I gifted name-brand bags to family members, and I discarded some 70 pairs of socks. Yes, 70. Best of all though, I have a system that works for me and that I can maintain for years to come. Oh, and these days, I even let visitors tour my whole house.

And here are the results:

Bitchin' Closets: The Work - The Professor, Virginia

You know what’s nice about movies and TV?  They distill reality a little bit.  We see what the camera captures; we don’t see all the dollies and the microphones and the actors taking off their wigs.  That’s kind of how I feel about doing virtual consults.  Even though you can see what’s going on, you don’t get the actual experience of being there.  Everything else that’s happening beyond the scope of the camera’s lens isn’t there to impact you.  That’s definitely how I felt when I got to The Professor’s place. 

After her virtual consult, we came up with a seemingly reasonable plan of velvet hangers, clear shoe boxes, and learning how to fold and put stuff away.  However, I walked into The Professor’s room and was overwhelmed.  And this was after she told me that her mom had been to visit the week prior and had done some tidying up.  To be sure, her mom tidied up, and I might have yelped something like “This is not as messy as it was on the consult!,” but it was still… something.  I was up for the task, but felt as though I had not adequately mentally or physically prepared myself for the task at hand.

The Professor’s Closet Hang-ups

  • Let It Go. If ever there was someone who was a stack of magazines and a flattened cat away from an episode of Hoarders, it’s The Professor. There were various types of attachments to different things; some emotional, some financial, some sentimental. This was tough. All of her hang-ups, in some way, were offshoots of this one.

  • Not Ready to Make Nice. One of The Professor’s biggest challenges was that she had resigned herself to the way her place looked. This was how it had always been and this was how it was always going to be. I told her, in no uncertain terms, that I thought it was a lazy excuse for getting stuff done. She wasn’t ready to crack the whip herself. But that’s why she enlisted me.

  • You May Be Right. The Professor’s second biggest challenge was trust. She needed a lot of convincing about how to do things, why we should do it a certain way, and more than anything, getting rid of things. It took a bit of work to get her to come around and divorce herself from her reasons for doing things, and consider doing them the way in which I suggested. (This applies equally to her resistance to my insistence that we organize to a soundtrack of Broadway show tunes. Guess who ended the weekend prancing around with her jazz hands and singing “Don’t Rain On My Parade”? Mm hmm.)

Teaching The Professor the Process

The Professor and I had an emotional journey, and luckily we took this journey on a 3-day weekend, because we needed it.  There was SO. MUCH. STUFF.  It was hard for me to decide where to start.  However, we talked, I did a second survey of her belongings, and hatched a plan.  She has 3 bedroom closets, plus a closet in another room solely devoted to hoodies (I know), as well as tons of stuff in her dressers, and also, two random drawer units for stuff that didn’t fit in her closets or her dressers.

The plan was this:  we’d start with the closets, and we would categorize clothing along the way.  A pile for trash, a pile for donation, a pile for consignment, and other piles for clothes that belonged in another closet, or in her drawers.  We also categorized what was going back into the closets: one for work wear; another for casual wear; another for dual-purpose clothing items; and another for luggage.  (Advance apologies, Bitches.  It wasn't until I'd uploaded the photos to my computer that I realized they turned out horribly blurry.  The shame.)

Just getting through what we deemed her work wear closet took us four hours.  However, those four hours set the stage for everything else.  By hour three, The Professor was coming up with her own suggestions for where to put things or how to organize them, and by George, she even got rid of some things without prodding from me.  Let’s get something straight:  it’s rare for me to emphatically urge a client to get rid of something.  But, The Professor had more stuff than she knew what to do with, quite literally.  As she said in her own consult, she has tons of stuff, but rewears the same things over and over because she can’t remember what she has.  A big part of our work was doing a hardcore closet edit.  If we had taken a shot for each time I asked her “Why?” or given her a silent side-eye, we probably would’ve had alcohol poisoning halfway through the work wear closet.  Somewhat miraculously, though, we did this all sober, although at some point each day we rewarded our hard work with ice cream.  #LactoseIsLife

A lot of the work with The Professor was about reassurance, and letting her know that stuff that had served its purpose and held sentimental value didn’t necessarily need to be kept.  The conversation went a bit like this:

The Bitch:  Why do you want to keep that sweatshirt from college that was so awesome when you were in your sorority, but are you really going to wear it out of the house now as a thirtysomething woman?  Are you going to obey the rules of wearing letters?  (No sweating, sex, or getting drunk.)  Probably not.  Get rid of the dang letter sweatshirt.  And why, God, why, do you need 100+ pair of socks and nylons?  Are you covering the feet of a small village? 

The Professor:  Ummmmmm…

She needed help letting go. 

But once she let go, she also needed help putting things away.  I’m someone who tends to compartmentalize (both physically and mentally), and so I like structure around things.  Coming up with categories for her closets and her drawers helped The Professor, too.  Particularly since she said she was overwhelmed by her own stuff and it gave her anxiety, my goal was to put things away in a manner that made sense.  I want her to be able to wake up in the morning and know exactly where her stuff is, or come home from work to change for a date with her adorable boyfriend and be able to grab and go.  As someone who also has anxiety issues, I wanted to get rid of her triggers. 

It was a lot of work.  A lot of work.  But when our three days were up, dare I say she had her Princess Jasmine moment, because her place was like a whole new world.

Bitchin' Closets: The Consultation - The Professor, Virginia

The Professor and I met many moons ago when we were both in graduate school in Cleveland.  Ladies and gents, do not be fooled by the catchy Drew Carey Show theme song; Cleveland does not, in fact, rock, and Drew Carey is a mean man who lied to all of us.  The Professor and I grew up about 15 minutes from each other in a small rural corner of the northeast, and our high schools played each other in football.  However, it wasn’t until a mutual friend set us up on a friendship date in Cleveland that we actually met and fell in friend love.  We both left Cleveland behind, but our friendship has endured.  For two gals who have only known each other for a little over 7 years, if you met us on the street, you’d think we’ve known each other forever.  I like that.

The Professor is probably one of the smartest, coolest chicks I have in my friendship arsenal.  She’s also probably one of the most disorganized.  When I told her about B&W, she challenged me to take on her closet.  Little did I know what I was really getting myself into.  It wasn’t until mid-way through the consult that I realized we always hung out at my place or in a public place.  I’d never seen her secret shame.

The Professor’s Closet Conundrum 

We’ve all got issues.  What are yours?  What are you looking to get out of this?  I feel like I have a ton of clothes but nothing to wear. My sizes have fluctuated over the years, and although I’ve given up on getting back to the size I was in high school, I can’t stand the thought of losing money by throwing things away that I might need if my size yo-yos again. I also keep some stuff for sentimental reasons or because I can’t find an appropriate replacement. Clothes tend to just pile up around my room and I rewear the same stuff, even though I have a ton of things to wear. Help!

How much space are we working with?  How many closets?  Walk-ins or not?  Drawer space?  5 closets, two large dressers.  [Bitchy note:  Did I mention she’s a home owner?  #ClosetSpaceEnvy]

Any pet peeves?  (For example, do you want everything hanging in your closet because you hate folding stuff and putting it in drawers?)  People who can eat carbs and not get fat. F them.  [Bitchy note:  You and me both, sister.]

Any strong opinions about what you want or don’t want?  (For example, do you happen to love wooden hangers?)   I want to be able to keep some stuff that may fit on my weight loss journey, but more than anything I want closets (yup, plural) that I can be proud of, and a room that doesn’t give me anxiety when I walk in. 

Anything else I should know?  I hate folding and putting away clothes.  [Bitchy note:  Wow, this is going to be super fun.]

Due to both of our busy schedules, I did The Professor's consult over FaceTime.  Actually doing a consult over FaceTime worked out great, and I’d be totally up for doing it again.  #NoPantsNecessary  However, while I was able to see what was going on at The Professor's, I think it somehow dulled the reality.  Make no mistake, The Professor was not kidding when she said she had a ton of clothes, things piled everywhere, and hates to fold and put things away.  I was aghast and agog at what I was seeing.  “How,” I thought, “how is my fabulous, fun, brilliant friend living like a frat boy?”  It wasn’t until I went to her place to actually do the work that I got a real shock.  

Bitch Basics: The Case Against Built-Ins

Ladies and Gents, we’ve been duped.  Pop culture has given us unrealistic closet expectations.  From MTV Cribs to Sex & the City to HGTV, we’ve been made to think that a closet with built-in shelving will solve all our problems, and that if we had a walk-in closet with built in shelving, we’ve found the holy grail. 

 Exhibit A:  Carrie's reaction to the closet Big built for her.

 

Exhibit A:  Carrie's reaction to the closet Big built for her.

That’s not wrong.  It’s just not realistic.

Look, give me enough space and enough money, and I’ll build myself a closet the size of my current apartment or larger.  But that’s the problem:  most of us lack the space and money.  If you’re a renter like me, you get whatever closet space they give you.  Mine happens to come with a few built-in units.  And I hate them.  Why?  Because they don’t work for me.  The space isn’t being efficiently used for the amount and type of stuff that I have.  If I were diagnosing my own closet hang-up, it would be a BSB classic:  I Want It That Way.  Or maybe it would be the unparalleled Frank Sinatra anthem:  My Way.  In any event, that’s how I feel about built-ins.  I want it that way, and that way is my way. 

Allow me to explain.

Your closet needs to work for you, not against you.  The best way to get it to work for you is to tell it what you want (what you really really want).  If you’re renting, you can’t really do that; but, you can figure out how to work with the closet and get it to a place where it works for you anyway.  If you own, maybe it’s easier; at a minimum, you don’t have to ask for permission to change the configuration.  But maybe you can’t afford to convert a room into a walk-in, or even to add some elfa shelving to the space you’ve got.  Or maybe you bought a home with what appears to be a perfect walk-in with fantastic built-ins, and then you start unpacking and realize, oh crap, this does not work for what you're working with.

Here’s my point.

Built-ins aren’t evil, but they’re evil-adjacent.  They look great and make you think they’re going to change your whole world, but unless you’ve thought them out and planned them relative to your stuff and how you’re going to use them, they’re going to disappoint you in some way.  And they’re going to make you work harder to make your closet what you want it to be.  But there’s a happy ending:  with some thought and some time, you and the built-ins that were forced upon you can get to a good place.  If, however, you’re one of those lucky bitches who actually has the holy grail in sight, and can customize your built-in unit, I bow to you and hate you all at once.

Bitchin' Closets: The Results - Chris, Attorney, District of Columbia

Chris’ issue really came down to figuring out how to efficiently use his space.  I told Chris how I organize my own space:  the stuff I use most frequently gets the most optimal closet and drawer real estate.  That way, I don’t have to go digging for my favorite stuff. 

In the bedroom, we revamped the way he was storing things, which included folding things in a way that made it easier to access and see what he owns, and putting some things in drawers that used to be in the closet, and vice versa.  We also got rid of the bins in his linen closet and got him clear storage boxes, which he used to separate toiletries into categories.  We also ended up doing a fairly significant wardrobe edit.  Originally, Chris thought he wouldn’t have enough to donate.  In the end, we ended up donating two large trash bags to Martha’s Table.  The after pictures are below.  There's tons more space in the bedroom closet, a whole shelf freed up in the bathroom, and everything in Chris' drawers is easy to find.  Not bad for initially thinking there was nothing to do!

And here's what Chris has to say about it all:

Hello fellow bitches.

Welcome to my guest post!  It will most certainly be the greatest guest post in the history of closet-based organizational blogging. Of this I’m certain. So hold on to your hangers, and let’s get started.

In the interest of full transparency,  I half expected The Bitch (what are you calling yourself on this blog?) to come over, look through my closet, marvel at its beauty, determine there was nothing to be done because it was perfect, and decide we should go to brunch instead. 

But thankfully for me The Bitch has got an eye for closets.  Mine was already organized and aesthetically pleasing (feel free to take a look back at the before pictures if you don’t believe me), but The Bitch determined almost immediately that I wasn’t making the most efficient use of my (admittedly smallish) space.  Part of that was because I hadn’t gone through and edited anything in a while, and part was because I wasn’t maximizing the way I organized, folded, and stored all my clothes. 

I will skip repeating everything The Bitch already described about what we did, and cut straight to the chase.  After all our work, I have a wardrobe (closet and drawers) that is much more efficiently organized than I started with. And while the new way The Bitch taught me to fold my clothes (so they can be stored horizontally and not vertically) is taking some getting used to, it makes it so much easier to find things quickly without digging through (and messing up) a whole stack of clothes.  And in the end, my closet still looks the way I like it, but I have a lot more space (and I have a coupon to Brooks Brothers so I can start filling it). 

Cheers!

Chris (¡Viva la wooden hangers!)

 

Bitch Basics: Folding Fears

Confession time:  I hate drawers.  If I had it my way, I’d hang everything up in my closet.  I hate folding stuff.  I’ve never worked in clothing retail for a reason.  I find folding tedious, and I’m not particularly good at it, and something about it stresses me out.  I wasn’t good at origami in seventh grade art class and I’m not good at folding a shirt, ok?  I am flawed.

Unfortunately, I need drawers.  Most of us need drawers.  So I had to figure out how to make peace with them.  It’s really more the fault of the clothes than the drawers, and it’s not even the clothes’ fault:  it’s the folding.  F*ck folding.  Except don’t.  It’s important.  It keeps your clothes in better shape, and keeps your life organized.  Have you seen Wet Hot American Summer?  (If you haven’t, you must; if you have and you didn’t like it, I’m not sure how I feel about you as a person.  Do you hate laughter?)  Take a cue from Gene, the cafeteria worker, and fondle your sweaters.  I mean don’t get all weird about it, but learn to love the process.

I was in a sorority in college, and had multiple drawers full of Greek life t-shirts.  On Tuesdays we wore letter shirts; on Thursdays we wore other sorority-specific shirts; the other days of the week, we could wear whatever we wanted, but at least one other day of the week involved some sort of Greek life couture.  Ok, it’s a little Mean Girls, but it really made getting dressed easier, especially after a night at the bar.  But I could never seem to find the t-shirt I wanted when I wanted it. You know how when you go to J. Crew and inevitably the sweater you want in your size is somewhere in the middle of the pile, and you pull it out and mess up the whole pile?  Yeah, I didn’t want that to be my life every morning as I got dressed.

One day, I got fed up, and decided I needed to re-organize my shirt drawers.  I took everything out, and spent a lot of time thinking about how I could get all my shirts in there in a way that I knew where everything was, and that I didn’t mess up everything that was folded. So I came up with a different way of folding and putting things away.  And it worked.  Ta-da!

 

Look at that!  They’re all lined up like little soldiers.  It’s magnificent!  I can see it all!  And, I’m told there is some other closet guru out there who recommends a similar thing.  Well, mazel tov to you, my sister in organizational arms, fighting the good fight.  If only I had started blogging about folding t-shirts in college, as opposed to studying for the LSAT and going to sorority meetings, the world might be a different place right now.  But here we are, and I think there’s room in the organizing world for both of us.